Friday, October 3, 2008

Sigh.

I feel kind of blank today. I should be working on the thousands of pages of minutes I have yet to revise, retype and put into the proper format. I should be worrying about those last-minute wedding details everyone talks so much about. I should be doing something. But I’m not. Instead, I’m staring into space, mostly, and wondering why October 12 won’t hurry up and get here.


It’s not so much a thrill to be married as it is a thrill to get away with my Greg and delve into each other. To spend our first few days discovering what marriage will mean in our situation. Finally seeing what it’s like to be grown-ups on a very grown-up vacation. To take some time to be in love, without the worry of bills, cleaning, laundry or (oh God) more meeting minutes.
I have this overwhelming feeling that my life is beginning, and I’ve got to catch up and open my eyes and really take it all in. I want to be able to look back at this time in 20 or 30 years and be able to tell everyone just the way Greg’s eyes looked as we walked down the aisle together, suddenly joined together with that invisible web of matrimony. I want to be able to smell the fall each year and have a sudden recollection of the way Greg held me during our first dance. And every time I have to get up at 4:00 a.m. for something, I want to recall how annoyed I will be the day after the wedding that this was the ONLY time we could get out of Tulsa to our (unknown to me) honeymoon destination.
Everything I’ve heard from others tells me that I remember being tired, hungry, not able to breathe, and feeling a little woozy for most of the day. It will be over before I have a chance to enjoy it, and I’ll never get those moments back, no matter how many re-dedication ceremonies I try to have. It’s a bleak outlook for such an amazing event, but it seems to be the general consensus among the marrieds I know. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll be the one woman who floats through her wedding, taking in every detail, with the colors brighter, the feelings deeper, and everything more intense than I could have imagined.
So, I have a feeling that – at least for the next few days – I’ll just feel blank. Staring at those minutes, and hoping they’ll rewrite themselves. And staring at the future, wondering what it’s going to be.
I tried to ask Annie Liebovitz to be my wedding photographer, but she was busy. Darn it all.

1 comment:

Moon Rocket said...

I love those "real life" Disney photos.

I'm sure you WILL be the one woman who takes the time to enjoy things. And if you forget, I'll remind you to breathe and take a moment to BE in the moment. :)