Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A look back

So, before the wedding, I was writing a lot in my spare time. Well, I was writing a lot even when I didn't have spare time. Writing would center me, would help me think about what was coming next, so I let it take over anytime it needed to. I was rereading some of the writing I did, and wanted to post this piece, which I thought turned out kind of sweet and interesting:

There are 19 days left in my life that I will still be a single woman.

I don’t scare easy, but this is a little frightening. Not in the “I’ll never sleep with anyone else!” sense or the “What if we hate each other?” sense, but more in the “I’ll always be part of a pair” sense.

Thinking about it now, the scariest thing about getting married is that one day you won’t be. And whether that’s sooner or later, it won’t be any easier on either of us. Because either a) one of us has died or b) we are going through a messy divorce, during which he tries to take our kitschy and wonderful camper away from me.

Getting married – it’s saying to the world that I’m okay with never being alone again. I’m okay with every day being part of a unit. Being gregandjennifer or jenniferandgreg, but never just Jennifer any more. That in itself makes me a little woozy. The two of us together? Pretty awesome. The two of us each on our own? Also awesome. The two of us together forever? Awesome, but will the world be able to handle it? Will we?

I look at the lady I work with, who had been married to her husband for almost 32 years when he suddenly died of a very short illness. Unexpected doesn’t even begin to describe how this happened. And devastated doesn’t cover how she looked afterward. Her Bobby, snatched from her after 32 years together. And with only a month of sudden illness which robbed his voice, his movement and his comprehension before he finally left the world. She is the epitome of strength, because if I were her, I’d still be in bed, wondering how life can keep going when the love of my life isn’t.

So, to me, that’s the scariest part of getting married. I’m hopelessly attached. Even if I were to run away right now, my heart would still be with him, so it would be a pointless endeavor. Wherever I go in life, I’ll only be a part of the whole we’ve become. It’s not so much Jerry Maguire situation as it is a Lego situation. I was complete on my own, but when you put the two of us together, we became a whole new creation, and we don’t look right without one another anymore.

So here’s to 19 more days of being single, so I can begin a lifetime of worrying I’ll never have enough time with my Goyo.


Joel said...

This is sweet and good.

And no matter how ripped up the being left behind feels, it is infinitely better to have been whole for the 20 or 30 years that one was.

But don't worry about that. Just remember how blessed you are, and violently take hold of the joy that you have. Relax. But be aggressive about it, if you know what I mean.

Jenn said...

Relax but be agressive. I'll give it a try.

You and my coworker - you're incredible people. I don't know how you get along without that missing piece of you, but you both seem like fairly normal people, given the situation. I just hope I never, ever have to try to live up to that.

In the meantime I'll try not to worry about it, and nag at Greg to the best of my ability.