Friday, April 10, 2009

Torn

I checked my email this morning to see this message – “Grace has added you as a friend on Facebook.”

Grace was tall, beautiful, funny, thin. She made me feel more beautiful in so many ways, even though I was always envious of her. I became her roommate, and for a while, everything was great. Occasionally she would have a spoiled child moment and sometimes that bothered me, her attitude. But I would talk to my best friend, and we’d have a moment of “Wah!” and go back to normal life. We loved her, and we wanted her in our lives. She was a beautiful person, in so many ways, that we would have our moments to complain to one another, and then we would let it go.

Grace is a girl who, four years ago, abandoned my friendship. My best friend and I were venting to another mutual friend (an ex-boyfriend of my best friend) that Grace had been constantly making plans with us and subsequently abandoning us for her boyfriend. It was tiresome. The mutual friend called Grace a bitch. My best friend and I neither agreed with nor refuted that statement, but just let it lie. He then went to Grace and told her that my best friend and I had been the ones who had called her a bitch. We hadn’t.

She wouldn’t even listen to the explanation. And somehow, the tattle-tale didn’t get in any sort of trouble for this. It was us. Her two friends who loved her. Who were upset because she wouldn’t spend time with us. Hence, she never talked to either of us as friends again. And the mutual friend continued to whine to us about what a bitch she was all the while.

It’s strange, seeing her name pop up in my life again. For four years, I haven’t existed for her, nor she for me. Other than anxiety dreams of her refusing my friendship all over again, I don’t think about her. It was hard losing her as a friend. Hurtful. Painful. And I’m not sure I could do that again.

I probably will, though. I’ll probably cave. And ask if this is the white flag of friendship. Because I can’t do that to people, just cut them out of my life. If they want to be friends, I’ll be friends. I’ll always be suspicious, and I can’t ever forget, but I can be friends. I can believe Godzilla has some good in him, that Pandora’s box might be full of butterflies, that global warming may just give us prettier beaches and better tans.

1 comment:

Lori said...

It's hard sometimes. I don't know if I ever told you the story of my best friend that I had known since first grade asked me to be her maid of honor at her wedding, then during the process of her wedding turned into bridezilla and eventually told me I was no longer allowed IN the wedding because our friendship had become so terrible after 7 months of trying to be a MOH for her spoiled attitude. It hurt. I refused to go to the wedding. I heard our pictures remained in the slideshow. We didn't talk for years. Somehow we reconnected and found out we were both mutually upset about the event and were both sorry how it ended. We slowly reconnected through email, then working up to phone, then eventually hanging out again. Now after more years have passed since our reconnecting I feel that things are great. Friends change over time. The ones that stay in your life over periods of time are the ones that grow with you. Friends come and friends go over the years. It's hard to look back and think "Why did so-and-so and I stop being friends? We didn't have a fight, we didn't hate each other - what happened?" The answer is we just grew apart and made other priorities. Remember how connected at the hip Megan and I were? We are SO different people now that I don't think we would even be on the same wavelength anymore. But I am very thankful that I still have a few friends, like you, that I have been able to grow with and stay in touch over the years. :) I still think of us as the two silly girls playing soccer together giggling over the toilet joke of what is under a pony's tail...now our crude jokes are a little more mature in nature. :):) Just give it time with Grace. Time heals all things.